


And all we have, we lose

by Ankow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Post-Break Up, aro!oikawa, it started as a vent fic and now it has multiple chapters, kuroo is a rly good friend, post-iwaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-05-29 17:39:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6385912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ankow/pseuds/Ankow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>everyone thought they belonged together.<br/>they thought so too.<br/>only in different ways.</p><p>Oikawa thought everything was back to normal, the only struggles being a sticking door and a roommate who kept stealing all the towels.<br/>However, he could have known it wouldn`t be like that forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. -1-

Five times Oikawa Tooru tried to be in a relationship.

 

Four times Oikawa broke someone`s heart.

 

Three times he didn`t cry.

 

Two times he did.

 

One time he got his heart broken and lost the person most dear to him.

 

When he was around the age of seven, he was close friends with a girl. He couldn`t even remember her name anymore, only the unusual red color of her hair had stayed. They had often played together, until their mothers called and it was time for dinner or bed. Sometimes, often during neighbor parties with barbeques and lots of children and parents, Oikawa could hear his own mother and the mother of the girl joke about how ‘cute’ and ‘close’ they were and how adorable it would be if they ended up in a relationship. He didn`t think about it much, he was only seven so why would he think about that complicated adult stuff.

When his friend asked if she could be his girlfriend a few weeks later, he shrugged and said yes.

A month later she announced her parents had decided to move and when she told him, he said he wanted to break up. She agreed without much hassle, it`s not like much had changed between them since they had been together. Occasional hand holding and a mothers who fussed around and dads who jokingly said to take good care of her.

When the day came she had to say goodbye, he awkwardly hugged her and waved until the car had disappeared. His mother had ruffled his hair and told him not to be too heart broken about it, he didn’t quite understand it at first. Of course he was sad because she had moved away, he didn`t have anyone to play with anymore! Later on he realized she may had been talking about the break up. He didn`t gave it much second thoughts because a few days later a new family moved into the house of his ex-friend. A mom, dad and a boy around his age. The summer the girl moved away and he feared he wouldn`t have somebody to play with, was also the summer Iwaizumi Hajime moved in across the street.

 

He was twelve years old and there were only two weeks left before summer break. School had already given up on trying to teach noisy twelve year olds so most of the time they were allowed to play on the playgrounds. He and Iwaizumi had became close friends over the span of years and Tooru was looking forwards to spending his whole summer with the boy from across the streets. He had already planned a bunch of adventures and Iwa-chan would have to join them, no matter what.  
He and Iwaizumi had been hanging around the trees on the playground. Oikawa watching with great fascination how Iwaizumi climbed higher and higher, while making sure no teacher were around to scold the other for his reckless behavior. A classmate, a girl named Riko, had caught his notice when she slowly came closer. Her cheeks had been red and she hadn`t dared to look up at him as she confessed how she liked him and wanted him to be her boyfriend. Oikawa, completely thrown off guard, had accepted and she had finally looked up with huge surprised eyes before she ran away, probably to tell her friends. Iwaizumi had asked what Riko had asked and Oikawa had told him. It wasn`t until a week later, after turning down Riko`s requests to play with her after school, he realized he couldn`t just keep saying no but saying yes would mean less time to play with Iwa-chan. And since he didn`t want to risk his summer break planning falling apart, he decided he had to break up with her. After explaining the whole situation to her, she had cried a little bit and went back to her own friends. Oikawa had felt relief, now he had the whole summer to spend with Iwa-chan!

 

When he was fourteen, girls started to take notice of him. In contrast to almost all other boys from his age, he hadn`t turned into a pimply mess. His skin stayed smooth, much to Iwaizumi`s dislike, and he seemed to have no bothers from the increased hormones that pestered the others. A small group of fangirls had formed and Oikawa and Iwaizumi often noticed them swooning around, not daring to come any closer. Iwaizumi said they annoyed him, Oikawa told him he shouldn`t be so jealous.  
One of the girls got the courage to ask him out. Her name was Sakura with cheeks as pink as he flower she was named after. She was pretty cute and Oikawa didn`t see any harm in dating her, much to Iwaizumi`s dislike who got even more grumpy.  
His mood cleared noticeably when a month later Oikawa suddenly dropped the news he and Sakura weren`t together anymore because he thought she was too clingy.  
Hajime had frowned, Sakura hadn`t seemed awfully clingy to him. All she had done was ask Tooru on multiple dates and maybe asked a few times to hang out after school. When he told him that, the brunette had shrugged and said he didn`t feel comfortable dating her.

 

He got almost the same answer a year later after Oikawa had broken up with some boy named Ryota. His heart had jumped when Oikawa had told him maybe girls just weren`t for him and sunk just as soon as Oikawa continued, saying he was dating a boy now. He had asked if Iwaizumi was okay with this and Iwaizumi told him it didn`t matter to him who Oikawa was together with. Oikawa had smiled, one of his rare genuine smiles and hugged Iwaizumi, thanking him for being such a great friend.  
Oikawa called him three months later, crying. He had broken up with Ryota. It wasn`t going so well between them and he had broken it off. He had told Iwaizumi he had gotten the feeling Ryota wanted to go on too many dates and he had felt trapped. Iwaizumi had calmed him down, saying they weren`t meant to be after all.  
Oikawa couldn`t quite shake the feeling something was wrong with him.

 

After that, Oikawa didn`t date anyone for 2 years. He instead focused on volleyball, improving his grades and his friendship with the best friend in the world, Iwa-chan. He ignored the girls swarming everywhere he went, tried to dodge Iwaizumi`s punches when he actually talked to a few and turned everyone down who tried to trick him into the spiders web called dating & relationships.  
He and Iwaizumi had became inseparable, Hanamaki and Matsukawa often joking how it seemed that the two of them were in some kind of relationship. Oikawa often made a sarcastic remark, hidden in some sweet words while Iwaizumi`s cheeks flushed red and he threatened to punch Oikawa, which Oikawa thought wasn`t fair the slightest. Not that he really minded.

 

After they had lost the match against Karasuno, Iwaizumi confessed his feelings to Oikawa, not wanting to waste the time they had together before they would go to different universities. He had wanted Oikawa to know how he felt and not spend the last months with the secret heavy on his heart. Oikawa had looked startled and Iwaizumi thought he had received the confirmation that Oikawa indeed did not feel the same towards him. However, after a silence, Oikawa said he felt the same.

Or, he hoped he would start to feel the same.

Not that he told Iwaizumi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, something went wrong and this supposed-to-be-a-one-shot-got-a-little (around 10k words) bigger than expected  
> whoops  
> T_T


	2. Chapter 2

Throwing himself against the door, Oikawa once again reminded himself they had to do something about the sticking door. He wasn`t looking forwards to having permanent bruises on his shoulders. Not that he was actually looking forwards to replacing the door himself.  
He quickly stepped inside and closed the door before the cold wind and rain could make themselves at home in the small apartment he rented together with Kuroo Tetsurou.

“I`m home, Tetsu-chan!~” he sang, wincing at the touch of his soaked jacket and jeans. He absolutely hated rain, he hated it even more as a certain person who stole his umbrella so he had no way to protect himself from the evil drops of water falling from the sky.  
He dumped his jacket on the small heater and spotted his own umbrella, stolen this morning by a certain Kuroo Tetsurou.

“You look absolutely soaked.” Kuroo`s head, or rather his ridiculously styled hair popped up in the doorway. Oikawa wanted to throw the umbrella at him, but resist the urge. If he wanted to get the door fixed, he would need Kuroo and beating him up with an umbrella wouldn`t do either Kuroo or the umbrella itself any good.  
“What a great observation, Tetsu-chan.” a shiver ran down his spine. It was pretty cold in the hallway and he wanted change his clothes and fix his hair. It felt like it was completely ruined and the dampness in his neck was more than a little annoying. “All because someone has stolen my umbrella this morning. Can you imagine, someone has stolen my umbrella!”

Kuroo snorted. “Sorry, babe. Won`t happen again.”

Oikawa rolled his eyes and walked past him, cringing a little at the stupid nickname. Well, he did call Tetsurou Tetsu-chan all the time so maybe it was a little bit fair. Luckily, Kuroo didn`t go all overboard with it. He made his way to the bathroom to get a towel to dry his hair a little. They had done laundry a few days ago so it shouldn`t be a problem to find a clean towel. At least he thought, because as soon as he entered the bathroom, he knew it was a lost cause. In front of the shower lay an impressive mountain of towels. A low growl escaped Tooru as he jerked the closet open. Just as he suspected. No clean towels, not even one.

Of fucking course. He kicked the towels apart, slightly wondering why the fuck Kuroo had thought it was a good idea to use all towels they owned. Why the sly cat needed all those towels? For fucking nothing. All Kuroo did was wrapping himself up in the bigger ones, throw the others on the ground and sit on them while watching a movie or keeping all his social media up to date. He could easily sit there for hours. How Oikawa knew all of this? He might have walked in a few times on Kuroo and may have actually watched the Matrix with him in the bundle of towels. Not that it was decent excuse for using all the towels when your soaked roommate whose umbrella you had already stolen, wanted to dry his hair or take a shower??  
Grumbling and more than a little pissed, he slammed the bathroom door close and proceeded his way to their shared bedroom. They weren`t together, nor had they tried, but sharing a bed had come to them naturally (as far as being done with sleeping on the couch because you were too lazy to actually set up your own sleeping spot was natural and you`re lucky your roommate has a huge king sized bed)

Nowadays, the room which was meant to be Oikawa`s, served the greater good of fulfilling the role of unpacked, not really important stuff. The mattress which originally belonged to Oikawa, was now intended for whoever crashed at their place.

He would get his revenge on Kuroo. Thinking about possible ways to torture the raven haired, Oikawa searched for some more comfortable clothes and settled on a loose black shirt -which was probably Kuroo`s judging by the way it felt way too loose around his shoulders- and a pair of sweatpants which could be either his or Kuroo`s. Shuddering by the sudden cold against his legs and the really nasty feeling of wet jeans, he wriggled himself out of them and without a second thought threw them in a corner. He really would pay Kuroo back for putting him through all of this.

“Are you okay?” Tooru narrowed his eyes, stopped in his plan on rolling himself up in a blanket and pretend to be a burrito till his body wasn`t shivering anymore. Kuroo walked in, still completely ignorant of the misery he had caused Oikawa. “You seem really fed up.”  
Oikawa huffed annoyed, he still had no idea how to exactly get his revenge so until then ignoring Kuroo and continuing his burrito plan would probably be the best option.

“If you`re gonna sulk, we could watch one of those ridiculous movies of yours.” sighed Kuroo before he turned around and left the room. Poking his head above the blanket, Oikawa watched Tetsurou leave the room, chewing on his bottom lip. Oh well, there weren`t much occasions Kuroo actually offered to watch one of his alien movies. It`s not like they wouldn`t watch them –Oikawa was way too skilled in getting what he wanted- but it was an unusual, friendly gesture.  
Umbrella stealing, towel addicted or not, there were times Tooru couldn`t wish for a better friend than Kuroo.

With the blanket draped around his shoulders like a cloak or cape, he followed Kuroo to the living room where he crouched down next to the slightly taller man who was looking through Oikawa`s huge collection of sci-fi movies.

“No, we`re not gonna watch that one.” Oikawa took the DVD Kuroo had grabbed. In contrary to a lot of the movies he had collected over years, it actually was one with decent storyline and acting. Too bad he had figured out how to take revenge on Kuroo. “I know the perfect movie!”  
He shoved some cases aside and finally found what he had been looking for.

Extremely low-budget, bad acting and a plot that contained more holes than the government's budgeting. Even he didn`t like the movie too much, to be honest, Oikawa thought it was one of the worst things he had ever seen. And by knowing Kuroo found most of his movies, that were Oscar worthy compared to this, terrible it was the perfect plan to get his revenge. With the sweetest, fake expression he muster he showed the case to Kuroo, who groaned at the absolute ridiculous cover. “You got to be kidding me, Tooru.”

“I`m sorry, sweetheart, but this is what you get for stealing my umbrella AND using all of the towels for no apparent reason. So yeah, you deserve to suffer.” He blew a kiss to Tetsurou and put the disc in the DVD player and settled on the couch with the blanket still wrapped around him as Kuroo had gone into the kitchen to fetch some snacks. He shortly after returned with a bow and sat down on the other side of the couch. Oikawa peeked up from the blanket to check whatever Kuroo had gotten them and it turned out to be one of the salad bowls they never actually used for salads, filled till the brim with M&M`s. Kuroo made himself comfortable on the other side as he put the bowl between them and Oikawa started the movie, side eying the soon to be victim of his vengeance.

From the moment the intro started playing – your typical collection of teenagers walking around in the woods late at night when they spot a mysterious light and long story short they get murdered by aliens- Oikawa could see he had won this battle. Within seconds Kuroo`s expression had changed from disinterest to a total horrified one. “What the hell, seriously, what the hell. You could literally see it was a close up from some children`s toy.” Oikawa snorted with delight by the by now probably traumatized Kuroo Tetsurou. He had to agree, the movie was trash and not of the recyclable kind. With a satisfied grin, he took a hand of M&M`s and let Kuroo`s shock improve the movie.

However, the peaceful mood was soon to be disturbed. The doorbell rang and Kuroo jumped up with a sly smile. Oikawa furrowed his brow in distrust. Knowing the scheming trait of Kuroo`s personality, there was a huge change the towel-stealing-bastard had planned some kind of backup in case the movie turned out to an disaster, which Oikawa had to admit, was rather true.  
As soon as he heard loud yelling coming from the hall, he knew it was done with the comfortable silence.

“Yooo~ Oikawaaaa!” loud and obnoxious had been the first two words to pop up in Oikawa`s mind the first time he met Bokuto Koutarou. He and Kuroo had just started to live together when suddenly one day, Tooru had come home to Kuroo and Bokuto making out on the couch. Kuroo had only looked smug as hell and Bokuto had been his usual cheerful and loud self, not even a little bothered by the situation. Oikawa, who had just come back from a long day of university had absolutely no motivation left to deal with the whole fact that his new sort of best friend and some dude he had never met but appeared to be really loud and annoying were making out on the couch which he had been planning to sit on.  
Now, half a year later, nothing on Oikawa`s opinion on Bokuto had changed, except for the addition of dramatic and abs. Yeah, he might have seen those more often than he would like to admit nor would he ever say out loud it wasn`t such a big deal because, honesty, Oikawa wasn`t blind. Bokuto was lucky he had his looks going for him because with his personality –adding the fact he didn`t make living with Kuroo`s antics better- Oikawa would have killed him by now.

And now he was here again, probably after Kuroo had texted him because of the movie. Tooru knew he should have suspected something the moment Tetsurou had said he wanted to see one of Oikawa`s movies. 

He forced a smile, and quickly took the bowl. If Bokuto got his hand on it, the chocolates would be gone in a matter of seconds. He spoke from experience. “Hey, Bokuto. Nice to see you again.”

Kuroo and his just as ridiculously hair style having boyfriend entered the living room. “Oikawa, move your ass so we can fit on too.” Kuroo poked his neck from behind the couch and Oikawa stuck out his tongue. He shuffled a bit aside and Kuroo wriggled his way in between Bokuto and Oikawa.

"Soooo, what are we watching?” Bokuto appeared to be already glued to the screen. Some kind of weird battle without much context was happening and the main character seemed to be having some kind of emotional drama going on. Either because of a flashback or some person had died or anything, Oikawa had no idea.  
“As I said before, one of Oikawa`s shitty movies.”

“It looks really cool, though.”

Both Oikawa and Kuroo groaned. Of course, only Bokuto would find the movie enjoyable. Bokuto made himself comfortable on the by now a little bit packed couch and Oikawa could practically see Kuroo give up on life. “It seems your plan has backfired, hasn`t it?” he giggled and Kuroo narrowed his eyes. “Shut up, Trashkawa.”

If Kuroo hadn`t looked away, he would have seen Oikawa flinch. Luckily, he didn`t and Oikawa tried to pretend he hadn`t heard that particularly nickname.  
For a while they watched the movie, nothing but the sounds from the speakers and Kuroo`s occasional complaints about how this wasn`t possible and that didn`t make sense. Bokuto, clearly the only one who really liked the dumb thing, shushed the unlucky Kuroo every time without averting his gaze until Kuroo was totally done with him.

Said male jumped up from the couch and yanked Bokuto up by the hem of his shirt, pulling him into an almost aggressive kiss. "I'm done with that bullshit movie, we're gonna make out, my friend." His voice was low and Oikawa made a face. He should have seen it coming. Within the blink of an eye, Kuroo had successfully captured Bokuto's attention. Oikawa could hear an enthusiastic "hey, hey, hey!" coming from him as he and Kuroo abandoned him on the couch.

Oikawa sighed in annoyance, taking back all kind words he had about Kuroo.  
"You guys better use the spare room!" he yelled, not wanting to sleep on either the couch or sandwiched between Kuroo and Bokuto after doing whatever they were planning on doing. No responds. Tooru hoped Kuroo cared about him enough to take his feelings into consideration.

 

 

The next morning he woke up with the feeling of not having slept. Which could be true, the cons of thin walls and a roommate in love. He shuddered by thinking back. Nope, it was too early, definitely too early. Screw that, if possible he wanted to bleach his ears out. Oikawa switched his alarm off and forced himself to leave the comfort of his bed. Okay, he had to admit it, there were also pros. Kuroo slept with Bokuto whenever possible, which left Oikawa with the king-sized bed for him alone. Nothing to worry about. Oikawa suspected it was out of pity Kuroo had never even tried to reclaim his bed. Oikawa didn`t want any pity, it was not like he cared for being single anyways, but he didn`t complain either.

Bokuto was already roaming around in the kitchen. Oikawa could tell by the loud clashing of various cooking materials and the vague smell of something burnt. The bright light of day made him squint as he entered the living room/kitchen. Muttering complaints under his breath, Oikawa shoved Bokuto aside to get his own cereal, pretending not to notice the mess Kuroo`s boyfriend had made of their kitchen.

He really wasn`t much of a morning person. As Bokuto kept chattering, Oikawa made himself coffee and ate some cereal. He hoped Kuroo would wake up soon, Bokuto was way too loud in the morning for him to handle. Kuroo wasn`t much of a morning person either, but Bokuto was his boyfriend thus his responsibility. Simple as that.  
After managing to escape both Kuroo and Bokuto, Oikawa made his way to the station. Contrary to the other two, he indeed did have morning classes on a Friday so no time to laze around. Luckily, today was much better than yesterday. The rainclouds had disappeared and a comfortable chillness had set. Well, it would have been sort of comfortable if he hadn`t picked up some kind of cold and was reduced to a snotty mess. He was totally blaming Kuroo for his current state.

 

 

Oikawa stiffened. No, he was mistaken, it couldn’t be true. He felt his heart beating against the back of his throat as the cold sweat broke out. He vaguely registered people bumping against him, as he stood as frozen in the doorway of the metro.

As a moth to a lamp, he couldn’t stop staring at the back of a young man. Dark brown, spiky hair and broad shoulders.

More people bumping against him, he heard them mutter annoyed. Hesitant, he put a step forwards. It was all in his mind. He wasn`t sitting there, there was no possible way. They had parted ways, he went away. He had made sure to put enough distance between them.

Why was he stepping in his direction? Why was he closing that distance?

Oikawa saw him shift in his seat and panic washed over him.

There was no way Iwaizumi Hajime was sitting there.

Feeling the anxiety rush through his body, he turned around and slipped out of the vehicle just before the doors closed and the metro drove off. It felt like he had just ran a marathon and all he wanted was to run back home. Which was exactly what he was doing. Subconsciously, his legs had started moving and now he was running as quick as possible in the crowd. With every step he took, his bag bounced uncomfortably against his shoulder but he didn`t notice nor care. All what was in his mind was getting as far and quick as possible away from the metro. His mind was clouded, all he could see was the back of what could have been Iwaizumi.

Finally he was outside, the still watery light of the sun peeking past the white clouds. His body was shaking and tears burned in the corners of his eyes. Why, why, why.  
He wanted to never meet Iwaizumi Hajime again, not after what had happened. Iwaizumi had felt the same, or at least Oikawa had thought so. So why was he here, here where Oikawa lived?

Maybe he was overreacting, maybe it hadn`t been Iwaizumi after all. Maybe it was just his brain playing nasty tricks on him. And even if he had seen Iwaizumi, there was no way the other had noticed him. There was a huge possibility all of this was just a coincidence and Iwaizumi was shopping for groceries or something like that at the same time Oikawa was on his way the university.

He nodded. That had to be it.

If only his heart would believe it.

He slid down against the outside of the station, staring down at his feet and ignoring all the passerby. No, he wasn`t going to cry in public. He wouldn`t grant Iwaizumi that humiliation.

“We`ve separated ways, no use to get overly emotional about the past, Tooru.” he mumbled to himself before getting up and checking his phone. A soft sigh escaped him. Apparently his sulking on the cold ground had taken a little more time than expected. No way he would be in time for his classes.

“Oh, well.” he shrugged and picked up his bag. No mediocre boring classes for him today. 

 

 

Once he had arrived home, after a not so brief visit to the local bookstore -Oikawa liked reading, and books had always had a calming effect on him-he dumped his bag in a corner and proceeded his way to the fridge. Comfort food was all he needed right now. Kuroo and Bokuto were gone, the apartment was silent, something impossible when those two were around, so he had both the apartment and the fridge all to himself. Maybe he could eat Kuroo`s food? Kuroo had stolen the towels, now Oikawa could steal his favorite food. Seemed like a great deal.

Since the M&M`s had already fallen victim last night, Oikawa was stuck with some leftover mac & cheese. Not that he minded, it was edible and Kuroo had claimed it as his before. After warming up the leftovers, Oikawa settled on the couch and search through the TV channels for either some sci-fi stuff of any drama series in general. A little bit of drama from someone else was all he needed at the moment to push the strange encounter from tomorrow out of his head. Lucky for him, a drama series he had never ever heard about was having a marathon and he dived right into the story.  
“Oikawa, you`re home already?” Oikawa looked up by the sound of Kuroo`s voice and blinked in surprise. Was it that late already? He really had been absorbed in the series, hadn`t he?  
“What the hell are you watching?” Kuroo walked in and leant behind him on the back of the couch. He was wearing his gym clothes and by the way his hair was even messier than usual, Oikawa could tell he had returned from his work out session in the gym. “This looks just as ridiculous as last night`s movie.”  
Oikawa scrunched his nose. “No, Tetsu-chan! This is my new favorite series! It`s really good!”

“It looks just as shitty as your personality, Oikawa. You can`t convince me this is actually decent.”

“Tetsu-chan! That hurt! And now shut up because otherwise I`ll miss how poor Miku will confront her jerkface boyfriend about cheating on her.”

Kuroo ruffled his hair. “Sure, sure. Enjoy the clichés, I`m gonna take a shower.” he said as he ignored the low squeak from Oikawa because Kuroo was ruining his hair. “Oh, I almost forgot. When I was at the gym, this random dude asked me if I knew you.” He scratched his head. “What was his name again, eeuh, something like Imaizumi? He was like pretty buff and had short, dark brown hair, do you know anyone like that?”

Oikawa froze completely. He had indeed known someone who fitted Kuroo`s description perfectly. Did this mean he really had seen Iwaizumi this morning? It really hadn`t been an illusion? He could faintly hear himself answer Kuroo`s question, how he had known someone named Iwaizumi but that had been a long time ago and that he had no idea why that person had been asking for him. Kuroo, seemingly satisfied with his answer, confirmed the name indeed had been Iwaizumi instead of Imaizumi and didn`t ask any further questions. He went to take his shower while Oikawa curled up on the couch, praying Kuroo hadn`t told his former best friend any vital information about him or about where they lived.

What if Iwaizumi showed up at their doorstep?

How Miko confronted her boyfriend kept unknown to him, as his vision blurred by the tears streaming from his eyes. It felt like he was falling apart, and maybe he would if he stopped hugging his long legs close to his chest. Why was Iwaizumi here? Why had he contacted Kuroo? Okay, Kuroo was well known around for his extensive knowledge on everyone around, but still. He and Iwaizumi had broken up more than half a year ago and there was no use for Iwaizumi to search for him. The only result would be more pain and hurt for the both of them and Oikawa didn`t want that.

“Stop panicking, nothing to worry about, you don`t even know what Kuroo told him.” His whisper became a silent mantra. As long as he kept saying those words, he was safe. Iwaizumi couldn`t bother him here and as long as Kuroo hadn`t invited him home or shared their address, there was absolutely no way Iwaizumi could find him.

Now he had to pretend everything was okay because he really, really didn`t want to talk about this with Kuroo. It was a really dark page in his life and he wasn`t ready to tell Tetsurou about it. It wasn`t like he didn`t trust Kuroo, no, his stories would be safe with the sly cat, but it was simply too painful. Something precious was scattered in thousands of unfixable pieces because there was something wrong with him.  
So he took a shaky breath, straightened his shoulders and swept away the tears. No, he wouldn`t let Kuroo notice how much the news had affected him.

 

 

Kuroo cocked his head to the side and quirked an eyebrow. “Have you been crying, Tooru?”

Oikawa sniffed and shook his head. Damn, his eyes had probably gave him away, it felt like they were still red and puffy. “No, well-“ he gestured to the TV, still playing the stupid series. “Miko`s confrontation was really touching and all. She broke up with the bastard and I bet she`s much, much better off without that asshole around.”

Kuroo deadpanned him. “Really.”

Shifting uncomfortable in his seat, Oikawa nodded. “Really. Anyways, what did you tell Iwaizumi? I`m honesty surprised he has managed to find me, it`s been quite a while…”

With his hair still wrapped up in a towel –Oikawa did briefly wonder where he got it from, did Kuroo have some secret towel collection? Probably- Kuroo sat down on the other side of the couch, laying his long legs atop of the table.  
“Nothing really. He said he knew you, but I guess a lot of people “know” you and I didn`t want your fan club to break into our house. Surprised it hasn`t actually happened yet, you do manage to keep everyone away, don`t you?” Oikawa gulped. He didn`t like the way this conversation was heading. Kuroo, either noticing his discomfort or just not caring at all, continued. “So I told him that if he wanted to talk, meet up or whatever, he had to ask you yourself.”  
Relieve washed over him. Kuroo was back to being #1 friend in the world. All he had to now was trying to keep under Iwaizumi`s radar. He could do this, long enough for Iwaizumi to give up whatever reason he had to try to find Oikawa.  
“Thank you.” he tried to sound as sincere as possible, wanting to let Kuroo know how much it meant for him that Kuroo hadn`t given off personal information to someone who by now could count as a stranger.

Kuroo nodded, clearly curious to whatever story was going behind all of this, but understanding enough to respect Oikawa`s boundaries. He knew Oikawa would tell him whatever was going on when he was ready or when he thought Kuroo deserved to know his story. Clearly now wasn`t the moment and he wasn`t planning on pushing Oikawa to telling him. Good at reading people or not, everyone could tell from his tense shoulders to his red and puffy eyes that Oikawa hadn`t been happy with hearing the name of what he said, was his former best friend.

Deciding to give Oikawa some more time to himself, Kuroo stood up from the couch. “I`m gonna make some food. And by some food I mean a lot of food because I`m hungry and Bokuto is coming over.”

He really didn`t have the energy or motivation to deal with Bokuto`s antics, or even worse, Bokuto and Kuroo combined. All he wanted was some space and time to think for a little while. Oikawa considered his options. He could stay at home and make an attempt to handle the Kuroo/Bokuto craziness or he could eat somewhere else with the risk he might run into Iwaizumi.

It wasn`t much of a hard choice. 

It was drizzling a little bit when he stepped outside and it helped him clear his mind a little. Listening to his music through the one ear bud that was still working, he walked down to his favorite café which luckily also sold a small variety of Panini`s and other kinds of bread. Not the ideal supper, but it would do.  
There weren`t much people around. It was still a little early so most tables were still free. Oikawa picked a booth in one of the corners that didn`t adjoined to a window. Call him paranoid or not, he would do anything to keep the risk of walking in to Iwaizumi as low as possible, even if it meant skipping window seats. Not much later a waitress came to his table and he ordered the same coffee as always. Though he came here quite often, most of the time alone but sometimes accompanied by Kuroo, it was mostly coffee what was ordered, so he took a look at the menu. As he had assumed, mostly your basic dishes. In the end he picked a simple Panini with mozzarella and tomatoes.  
Waiting for his order to arrive, Oikawa took small sips from the burning hot coffee. To be honest, he hadn`t been thinking about Iwaizumi much. He hadn`t been thinking about the whole thing in general much. It had been something he had managed to push back and forget about, but now it was all coming back. He could feel it in the itchy feeling and the questions once again bugging him. He had hoped it all lay behind him, a foolish thought of course. Oikawa sighed. It seemed he wouldn`t be sleeping well the upcoming weeks.


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey, Kuroo.” Kuroo looked up from the paper he was currently writing. Oikawa, lazing around on the couch, rolled on his stomach and rested his head on the back of his hand. “How do you know you`ve got a crush on someone?”

A week had passed and Oikawa hadn`t had any news on Iwaizumi. He presumed Iwaizumi had acted on a whim and had given up by now. Not that it made him sleep any better at night.

Kuroo made a clacking noise. “why`d you ask? Don`t tell me you`ve finally found yourself somebody?” Oikawa made a face by the underlying curiosity in Kuroo`s voice. The latter had already made quite a few remarks on how the hell on earth Oikawa was still single and even suspected him from having a secret relationship.

“Never mind.” Oikawa rolled on his back, staring at the ceiling. It used to be white but it had a vague creamy tone now. It`s quite ugly, we should paint it, he thought while chewing on the inside of his cheek. He knew he shouldn`t have asked Kuroo, he could have expected it would lead to this.

“Nah, I`m kidding bro. seriously, why do you ask?” he was sounding genuinely interested now. Oikawa felt the knot in his stomach tighten. Maybe he had hoped didn`t ask further. Looking for the right words, he kept silent for a little while. “I don`t really know, I`m just wondering how it feels. For you at least.” He gulped as he could practically feel Kuroo`s curiosity burn through the back of the couch.

Kuroo, too, stayed silent for a moment before clearing his throat. “Well, I don`t know how others experience it of course, but when I met Bokuto it wasn`t anything but physical attraction at first. I mean, even you`ve admitted his is hot as hell.” Oikawa made an agreeing sound. “But after I got to know the guy a little better, I found myself thinking about him more often and wanted to hang out with him more.” Kuroo hesitated. “Ugh, it`s hard to put feelings into words, isn’t it? Anyway, after a while I realized it was more than a close friendship and that I was romantically interested in him. Like except the crazy stuff we were doing, like driving poor Akaashi insane, I also wanted to cuddle and kiss Bokuto.” He scratched his head. “I wanted to be close and felt all warm and fuzzy when he was nearby, and apparently he felt the same and this is total fluke, but I don`t know how to explain it any better. You want to be close but other closeness than friends? If that makes sense.”

Another silence. “Thanks for explaining it, Tetsurou.” Even Oikawa himself realized how distant he sounded. What Kuroo said matched almost precisely with what the Internet had told him. His body felt cold, though he didn`t exactly know what he had been expecting. A different outcome maybe? Who was he kidding.

He had never had a crush.

“I`m going for a walk.” Kuroo didn`t miss the melancholic tone which had crept into the other`s voice. Oikawa quickly switched clothes, if he wanted to escape it all for a while, he might just as well actually do something. Like jogging, really good for his knee of course. The doctors would be so proud. He already grimaced by the thought of them hovering around again and telling him what to do and what not. jogging was definitely on the list of things they strongly advised not to do, but Oikawa Tooru was a strong, independent man who did not need no doctor.

“See you!” The door closed behind him and he welcomed the chill air against his body. Kuroo would be fine, and Oikawa assumed Bokuto would come over so he wouldn`t get lonely or something. And it was only for a little while.

“Well, let`s fuck up some more, Tooru.” he stretched his legs slow and careful before he started off at a slow pace. It was stupid, he knew he couldn`t outrun the feeling crawling under his skin. It didn`t stop him from trying though.

Breathing in steady breaths, he kept running while at the same time trying to keep the pressure off his knee. A doctor`s visit wasn`t what he was looking for at the moment so preventing it would be nice. Just as his body, his thoughts kept running.

_ What both Kuroo and the Internet have told me, I`ve never felt like that because of someone… _

Never in all the five times he had been together with someone, had the person made him feel that way. After the first three times he had thought it might have been because they were girls. Maybe it had been because he likes guys. At first it seemed it was true. The first boy he had dated was nice to be around, but as soon as they entered a relationship, mostly on the boy`s pushing, Oikawa started to feel uncomfortable and the boy reminded him too much of the stickiness of the last girl he had been with, his gentle touches and words making him feel uncomfortable and sick. After that fiasco, in which he felt horrified of himself for breaking the boy`s heart, he swore not to ever get in a relationship again unless he was absolutely sure he actually had feelings for that person, that butterflies were flying in his stomach.

And then Iwaizumi had confessed.

Oikawa of course had noticed how close he and Iwaizumi Hajime had become. He hadn`t sought anything behind it though. He was just extremely happy with having Iwa-chan close to his side and the fact nothing seemed impossible for them.

Except Iwaizumi actually wanted more than friendship and Oikawa did not feel butterflies, did not suddenly forget how to talk to Iwaizumi or had the feeling he wanted to kiss his ace.

However, he felt warm and safe and that was also love right? Maybe they had passed the initial how-to-act-around-your-crush-phrase?

 As foolish as he was, as burnt as he was to proving nothing was wrong with him and he could feel affection like any normal human being, he had said yes.

At first, nothing seemed wrong and Oikawa remembered the brief period of relief. It started clumsily, awkward asks to watch a movie together which was nothing new and Oikawa almost had the impression nothing had changed at first. They were still best friends, only with a different name.

Iwaizumi however, clearly still surprised by the fact Oikawa had actually agreed to a relationship, slowly started to run warm for the whole relationship thingy. Oikawa felt a hand around his waist ever so often and instead of picking some food from the fridge as the movie continued, Iwaizumi took him to fancy restaurants and cinema’s. A soft peck on his lips turned into real kissing and Oikawa wanted to cry.

He felt trapped, he didn`t want all the soft and oh so sweet murmurs of how perfect and beautiful he was. He didn`t want the kisses, he didn`t want to go on dates.

He didn`t want to be Iwaizumi`s boyfriend.

He wanted their movie nights back without the tension in the air, he wanted their friendly, uncomplicated and light touches back that didn`t mean anything except I’m here for you. He wanted his Iwa-chan back, he wanted his best friend back. He didn`t want this supposed to be romantic stuff which made him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. All he wanted was his best friend.

He couldn`t tell Iwaizumi.

He saw the love, the happiness and he couldn`t take that away from Iwaizumi. It would break him and Oikawa couldn’t let that happen. As terrible as a person he might be, he wouldn`t take that one thing from his best friend.

Just what was wrong with him, why couldn`t he enjoy all of that sappy stuff. There really had to be something wrong with him. The butterflies still hadn`t come, just as the happiness which everyone told him a romantic relationship would bring. A friendship which meant everything to him had turned into something that made his skin crawl, his stomach hurt and turned his nights into long hours of staring up at the ceiling and wondering why he was so much of a fucked up person.

He started to avoid Iwaizumi, coming up with lame excuses why he couldn’t hang out or go on a date. He tried to dodge Iwaizumi as subtle as possible and didn`t really reciprocate the touches and kisses. It started to take hours or days to respond to Iwaizumi`s texts and he found stupid reasons to get out of the house and wander around in the town next door.

He hoped it would make it easier. Easier for Iwa-chan to break up with him because, honestly, Oikawa didn`t have the courage to do so. He didn`t want to see the hurt in Iwaizumi`s eyes, didn`t want to hear it in his voice. Oikawa wanted it to end.

Hajime, of course, had noticed his elusive behavior. For a couple of weeks, he let Oikawa do as he pleased until it became too much for himself too. Oikawa had felt it in his bones as he saw the caller ID lit up around three in the morning. It was Iwaizumi. Tooru knew he had to answer this phone call. Shivering by the sudden cold of his body, he picked up. He hadn’t seen nor answered Iwaizumi for days now and he knew it had been coming.

The Call, capital letter C. 

Anxiety leaving a bitter taste in his mouth, he unlocked the call with a bit of struggle since he was shaking. “Iwa-chan?” he hated how his voice sounded so small.

“Oikawa” he flinched, Iwaizumi had barely called him by his last name the last months, he had been Tooru and now he was Oikawa again. It hurt, though he knew it was what he deserved. Maybe it even would make things easier, knowing they weren`t on first name base anymore. He exhaled shakily.

“Why did you call me, Iwa-chan? It`s really late, I could`ve been asleep for all you`d know.”

He heard Iwaizumi breathe in deeply. “You know why I`m calling, Oikawa.”

They both stayed silent.

Oikawa was the first to breaking it. “I`m sorry, Hajime.” Barely more than a whisper.

“Why are you keeping me out? Did something happen? Did I do something wrong? Why won`t you let me in?” Iwaizumi was speaking fast, much faster than normal and the pain and despair in his voice cut deep in Oikawa`s heart. “You keep ignoring me, I don`t see or hear from you for days and when we actually are together, you`re distant and I see how you`re faking it. Tell me, Tooru, what happened. Because it`s driving me insane and all I want is you to be happy. Let me help you.”

Tears rolled down his cheeks and Oikawa suppressed a low whimper. It was all his own damned fault. But what could he say to Iwaizumi? ‘sorry I just don`t deal that well with all that romantic bullshit and I`d rather go back to just being friends.’ No, Iwaizumi really did love him and it would be straight up egocentric and mean to do so. He loved Iwaizumi, but not in the same way. He wasn`t able to give Iwaizumi what he wanted.

“Iwa-chan. I`m sorry, I`m so sorry. I-I don`t know, I don`t know, Iwa-chan. I can`t.”

“It`s not working out, isn`t it.” Iwaizumi sighed. “Why won`t you let me in, Oikawa? You know I`ve always been there for you, but if you don`t let me come close, we can`t work things out. If you tell me what`s wrong, we can try to figure it out. Like we always did.”

Like we always did… back in the days when we were nothing more than best friends… tears were streaming down freely now. He wanted to say yes so much, he wanted Iwaizumi next to him. He wanted to stay together.

But not like this.

Not when Iwaizumi could get so much better than him, stupid fucked up him.

“I don`t want to.”

Harsh and straight to the point. He prayed it would be enough to push Iwaizumi away. The words tasted bitter on his lips but lying was the only way.

“I don`t want to let you in.”

He had to stay strong now, for Iwaizumi`s sake.

“… you really are impossible, Trashkawa, Oikawa.” By the way Iwaizumi sounded, Oikawa could tell his words had deeply affected Iwaizumi, who knew he was one of the select, probably even the only one who could pressure Oikawa in opening up. And now Oikawa had told him that was gone.

“Is it the same as with those others you`ve dated so far?”

“Yes…” the truth. It was the simple truth. He felt the exact same way.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? When did it start, the moment you said yes?” Oikawa flinched. A nasty, angry tone had slipped into Iwaizumi`s voice and while Oikawa could completely understand him, it still wasn`t pleasant at all. “Because it fucking hurts to be led on like that, Oikawa! All those weeks I thought something was wrong but it turns out you were just being a huge-ass coward. I wish you`d told me earlier so it would have saved me from a lot of worry and all. Maybe you really should start on taking other people`s feelings into consideration instead of only thinking of your own.”

Word after word after word. Each one feeling like a stab in the gut and each one hurting more and more.

“I`m glad we talked this through, Oikawa. It`s over and I`m glad we`ll separate paths, because I really don`t want to see you for a while.”

“I`m so sorry, Hajime, Iwa-chan…” he muttered.

“Don`t call me that.” and Iwaizumi hung up.

Trembling over his whole body, Oikawa sat on his bed, defeated. His breathing came swallow and soft, pained noises were the only sound in his room. His mind was blank, his heart hurt and the tears wouldn`t stop flowing but overall, he felt relief. Relief because he didn`t have to pretend anymore, relief the truth was out.

How disgusting could one be? Feeling relief over breaking up and losing your best friend since you were a little kid? It was the same as the time he had broken up with the others, that unwanted feeling of relief washing over him because he was free once again, accompanied by the ever remaining question how he could feel like that because he broke up for the simple reason he felt trapped though he clearly hadn`t been?

And now he`d lost Iwaizumi.

He broke down.

After the breakup, Oikawa refused to leave his room for a week. His mother was worried of course, but let her son be.

Oikawa didn`t receive a single sign of life from Iwaizumi.

He hadn`t been surprised.

Summer was ending and it was time to pack for university. He had never been so grateful for the fact Iwaizumi and he would go to different schools. He couldn`t bear the thought of being near his ex, his ex-best friend. He also was glad he got to leave town. Too much reminded him of him, from the streets were they spent the whole day playing to the local store where they bought snacks. Leaving made sure he could start clean.

And once he moved in to the apartment with Kuroo, the memories he shared with Iwa-chan had been put away.

Oikawa rubbed the corners of his eyes. No, he wasn`t going to cry in public. Having heard from Kuroo that Iwaizumi was looking for him, had brought back all the memories and the anxiety there might be something wrong with him. He thought he had found peace with it, now it had all been rushing back and he was back to zero. Speaking over going back, it might be for the best to go back, he thought and turned around. Bokuto would probably still be around, but a little distraction might be nice.

He stretched his back and resumed a steady pace back home.

“Oikawa?” he froze. His eyes darted around over his surroundings and for a moment he couldn’t localize the source of the voice, thinking it might have been his mind playing tricks on him. Until he turned around and saw Iwaizumi Hajime. His heart was beating in the back of his throat and Oikawa stood as frozen, trying to process the fact the person he had thought he`d never see again, was standing in front of him.

_ No. _

“You`ve got the wrong guy.” he said quickly, refusing to make eye contact, before he turned around and started sprinting. He ran as fast as he could, ignoring the painful jabs in his stomach and the pressure building on his ankles. Blindly, he ran all the way back to his apartment, high on adrenaline and panic. Wheezing, he managed to unlock the door with a little struggle due to his shaking hands, but the door was stuck again. Without much power, he threw himself against the door which didn`t budge. His teeth were clattering, he wanted to get inside.

“Kuroo!” he heard himself repeat, a little louder by each time the name passed his lips. “Kuroo!” till he was practically yelling his friends name.

Finally, the door opened. Oikawa stumbled forwards and Kuroo managed to catch him just in time, thanks for the fast reflexes he had built up with playing volleyball. “Oikawa, what`s wrong?!” alarmed by the state he found the other, Kuroo quickly dragged Oikawa inside, pushing a just as nervously scared Bokuto out of the way.

“What`s wrong with him?” Bokuto watched the two of them enter the living room with big eyes and Kuroo snapped at him. “How the hell am I supposed to know, go get some blankets or something.” He hadn`t meant to snap at his boyfriend like that, but he knew Oikawa good enough to know he wouldn`t break easily. Something bad had happened and he wanted to calm Oikawa down as soon as possible.

“Hush, it`s alright, you`re home now.” Oikawa was trembling against him and he wondered what the hell had happened. Bokuto returned shortly after Kuroo had sent him away, and dropped a bunch of blankets on the couch. Just when Kuroo tried to lead the shivering mess that was Oikawa to it, the latter started to struggle to free himself from Kuroo`s strong grip, who reluctantly let go.

“I`m gonna shower, okay?” he barely heard Oikawa and he frowned worriedly.

“Are you sure you`ll be okay?” it was probably for the best to let Oikawa take his shower, not only because showers were the place to be when you needed space, but also because it wouldn`t take long for Oikawa to catch a cold in those running cloths.

Oikawa nodded and got away surprisingly fast. “We`re here for you!” hooted Bokuto as he slipped past the owlish boy. Kuroo exhaled and massaged his nape. “Let`s see how much chocolate we can buy in the grocery store within 15 minutes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that moment when a guy who works at your local gym somehow looks a bit like oikawa and you have a small internal crisis


	4. 4

It took Oikawa a little longer than half an hour to muster up the courage to leave the bathroom and go back to the living room.

Bokuto made a noise which Kuroo recognized as the one he made when he saw something cute, which was kind of weird because Oikawa wasn`t looking cute at all but maybe it was also for kicked puppies, which did fit the current state of the setter so he supposed that was the case. Skin red from the hot water, eyes rimmed red and a tense frame. Oikawa absolutely resembled a kicked puppy so Kuroo agreed with Bokuto.

“C`mere,” Bokuto ran towards Oikawa with open arms and enveloped him in one of his famous big hugs. Kuroo was planning on making some discouraging sound, knowing Oikawa wasn`t that fond of all physical affection, but the way he was clinging on to Bokuto was telling a different story for the moment. Eventually, they made their way to the couch and they wrapped Oikawa in a few of the blankets. 

“Thanks guys.” Oikawa shifted nervously in the tight layers of fuzzy material. His body had finally regained a normal, steady temperature and he wanted nothing else than curling up within the blankets and sleep for all eternity. As long as he didn`t had to go outside anymore, it was all perfectly fine.

 

They sat in silence for a little while, which was quite surprising since Bokuto was there, and Oikawa felt this comfortable quietness would soon be over. “Ask ahead.” His voice sounded raspy, his whole throat felt raspy.

Kuroo narrowed his eyes. “You sure? I don`t want to meddle with your personal stuff if you`re not 100% comfortable with it.”

Oikawa sniffed. “100% comfortable is impossible, but you deserve to know.” And he was back to chewing the inside of his cheek again. He had never shared this story with anyone else, he wasn`t even sure how to put some of it into words. 

He breathed in shakily. "I ran into Iwaizumi, and he recognized me." 

"Who's that?" Bokuto asked and Kuroo shushed him; "Childhood friend of Oikawa, they lost touch."

Oikawa nodded. "He was indeed my childhood friend, but it runs a little deeper than that." he said, picking at the rim of his fingernails. "We used to be together as a couple."A short glance to Kuroo showed him exactly what he suspected, Kuroo, as cunning as he was, seemed to have already connected Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

“If he hurt you, I`m gonna punch him.” Bokuto, on the other hand, appeared more than ready to kick Iwaizumi`s ass.

Oikawa laughed, but it sounded hollow. “Then I suppose you should punch me because I was the one who hurt him.” god, it was so painful to talk about it. “Since I broke up with him and all…”

“Was it a nasty breakup?” asked Kuroo. It felt strange to think Oikawa reacted so fiercely over an ordinary breakup. And judging by the pained look on Oikawa`s face, he was right.

“Yeah, it wasn`t like a huge fight or anything. We had been together since we were around 7 and then it suddenly was all gone. I hadn`t seen or talked to him since we broke up a-and it`s all my fault he ended up hurt, I didn`t want this to happen and it was for the best we didn`t see each other anymore so he didn`t have to deal with my up fuckery anymore, and now he`s back a-an-and” his chest rose and fell quickly and tears welled up in his eyes once again. “I totally fucked up, I thought I had learned my lesson from before but then Iwa-chan asked me out and it went all downhill from there and it`s all my goddamn fault!”

 

Clearly missing valuable information, Kuroo tried to slow down Oikawa`s waterfall. “Easy, start at the beginning okay?” Oikawa nodded, still anxious.

 

“Iwa-chan asked me out shortly after we had lost to Karasuno.” He didn`t notice how he fell back in using Iwaizumi`s nickname, it felt as normal as it used to be. “This is gonna sound really strange and I don`t even know how to really explain but please, please don`t hate me or say I`m fucked up, I already know that.”

“Why would we even think that?!” protested Bokuto. “There`s nothing wrong with you.”

 

Oikawa bit his lip and averted his eyes from Bokuto`s but he did continue, bitter taste of panic in his mouth. “Every time I ended up in a relationship with someone, it went all wrong after a little while. I felt trapped and all that stuff that`s supposed to be all cute and romantic feels wrong to me. I broke it off before it could get too serious. I`d promised myself not to get in any relationship anymore unless I was sure I had a crush or was sure it was love. But Iwa-chan asked me out and we already were so close so I thought it was okay and then it went south and it was almost the same as my previous relationship. I didn`t feel comfortable at all but Iwa-chan looked so happy and I started to distant myself and so I hurt him even more and after some time he broke up with me.” He sniffed, clearly crying by now. “It was horrible, I was horrible. He kept asking what was wrong with me, what had happened, asking me to open up to him and I lied, saying I didn`t want to. He told me how disappointed he was and how other people had been right on how I was a shitty person and the worst thing was, when it was all over, I felt relief. I felt relief because I had broken up while I lost the person most dear for me.”

 

His flow of words was disrupted by Bokuto, who rubbed calming circles on his back and pulled him closer. He looked at Bokuto confused and the other patted his head. “It`s alright, Oikawa. Really, I wouldn`t hate you because of something like that! if you killed the dude or something, it would be a different story of course.”

“Bo`s right. But, can you explain what made you feel comfortable? Was it only when you were together with Iwaizumi?”

Oikawa hiccupped. “No… that`s the worst part. Every significant relationship I`ve had till now felt like that. cuddling and kissing and dates. Most of that stuff that everyone gets all crazy about, all it did was made me feel tense.” How could he put his feelings into words? How could he make Kuroo and Bokuto understand what he experienced? “Iwa-chan and I really were the best of friends. I liked being close to him, as a friend. When we got into a relationship, it didn`t take too long before the closeness became asphyxiating.” He looked up to Kuroo with watery eyes. “He told me I was being selfish, and I know I was, am. But what if he`s right by saying I`m not able to love? What if he`s right, Kuroo!”

“Did he really say that?” snarled Kuroo and Oikawa flinched by the tone. “Did that bastard really fucking say that to you?”

Oikawa froze, Bokuto wrapping his arms a little tighter around him to stop the trembles. Kuroo actually looked pissed and to be honest, it was scary. Bokuto and he had only seen Kuroo angry a few times since it took a lot for the ex-Nekoma captain to snap and when he did, it wasn`t pretty.

“I get that he was sad or whatever because of a breakup, but that gives him no fucking right to go say those things, the asshole. The Tooru I know loves his friends and keeps them close to his heart, and that`s also a form of love. You`re completely capable of loving people, Tooru. Don`t believe what he told you, please.”

“Kuroo`s totally right, Oikawa. I mean, look at Akaashi. He`s asexual and no one is telling him he can`t love anybody. Now I that I think about it, wasn`t there a name for what you might experience?” Bokuto shoved Oikawa aside and jumped up from the couch. “I`m gonna call Akaashi.” and he ran off.

“Once I`ve found Iwaizumi, I`m gonna make him regret what he said to you. I bet you`ve been walking around with this for a long time, haven’t you?” and Oikawa nodded. Since he broke up with that boy he had started to feel something was wrong and Iwaizumi had only put it into words. “Don`t do anything to Iwa-cha- I mean, Iwaizumi, okay. It wasn`t his fault.” 

Kuroo sighed. “Easy, I won`t do anything unless you want me to. Honestly, believe me, don’t blame yourself. Okay, maybe you two should have talked about this earlier instead of escaping it, but it`s not your fault Oikawa.”

“Tetsurou, your shitty as fuck Wi-Fi isn`t working and Akaashi wants me to look something up, fix it you lazy cat!” loud yelling from the hallway. Kuroo rolled his eyes, but stood up to go check the router, leaving Oikawa on the couch.

 

It may sound cliché, but it really did help to talk about it. He felt better than before, with his secret now known by two people, two of his best friends. He felt so grateful for having them.

 

“It works on my phone so yours just sucks.”

Bokuto came back, still calling Akaashi. “Yeah, it works now! Sorry Akaashi, the concept of functioning Wi-Fi is relatively new here. don`t worry, I`ve almost succeeded in persuading Kuroo in getting a better one so hope is on its way.”

“Now shut up about my Wi-Fi or I`ll change the password or something.” Kuroo also returned, sending a playful death glare to his boyfriend. Bokuto said bye to Akaashi and made an attempt to steal away Kuroo`s phone, who wasn`t planning even a little on handing it to him. “How about you just tell me what Akaashi told you.” he growled while trying to stop Bokuto from reaching his phone he was now holding above his head. Oikawa suppressed a chuckle. They looked so stupid.

“Ahw man.” Bokuto pouted but he gave up on the fight over Kuroo`s phone. “Akaashi told me to look up the term aromantic.”

 

A strange feeling replaced the panic. Was it hope? Oikawa wasn`t sure.

 

“An aromantic person is someone who doesn`t experience romantic attraction.” quoted Kuroo. “You may be aromantic if you`ve trouble telling the difference between romantic and friendly feelings and you`ve never had a crush or fallen in love.” He scrolled down. “You should read this, Oikawa. It might just be me, but based on what you`ve told us and how I know you as a person, you just might fit in.” he handed his phone to Tooru, who freed himself from the blanket fort and took Kuroo`s phone, hand shaking in anticipation. As fast as he could, he read the whole article.

 

…becoming distant as a romantic relationship gets more serious…when the relationship ended, you felt relieved and free more than you felt sad… 

It all matched. 

Maybe…

A choked sob escaped him and new tears welled up.

Maybe, after all…

He looked up to Kuroo and Bokuto, who stared at him with barely concealed anticipation.

Maybe Kuroo and Bokuto were right and there really was nothing wrong with him. 

“Thank you so much.” he blurted out. “Thank you, thank you so, so much!” 

Kuroo ruffled his hair. “Hey, it`s alright, Tooru. I`m happy you got this off your chest and to see you smile again.”

 

“Oh, Akaashi also said to tell you that you shouldn`t feel forced or anything to say you`re aro now. Just do whatever feels right, you don`t even have to indentify as aromantic if you don`t feel comfortable with the term and also don`t think you can`t feel romantic attraction if you decide to identify as aro because Akaashi told me you can always switch.” said Bokuto with a rare, serious expression. “Akaashi knows a lot about this kind of stuff so you can trust him, if you want I can give you his number and you two can talk or something.”

“I would like that a lot. Thanks Bokuto.”

 

That night, sleep didn`t come as easy as it used to be before the whole Iwaizumi-affaire. Oikawa hadn`t expected differently though. His mind was racing with the information he had gotten today and the after effects of his whole confession were still lingering. It clicked. It all clicked. It was such a strange feeling, knowing there were others out there who knew how he felt, who`d experienced the same. It was comforting.

Although he might have had a name for what he felt now, it still didn`t solve the problem. Okay, he might have found an explanation, but that was it. Iwaizumi was probably still mad at him, he still didn`t know the reason why Iwa-chan was looking for him and he still felt extremely guilty.

But now he at least knew he wasn`t alone.

 

They let the subject rest for the following days. Oikawa had a lot to process and of course school was still a thing. Oikawa, following Bokuto`s advice, met up with Akaashi on an afternoon and they talked a lot, which had been really helpful. As peaceful and calm as it was now, Oikawa understood it couldn`t last.

“Maybe you should talk to him.” Oikawa looked up from the book he had been reading for his study. “To Iwaizumi.”

He blinked and bit his lip. “I don`t know, Kuroo.”

“Come on, he is looking for you, you know. He can`t possibly that mad if he`s trying to find you. Talking it through can help put it behind you, Oikawa.”

Maybe Kuroo was right, maybe he wasn`t. Maybe he would be correct at first and then Oikawa would fuck up. He felt himself being torn between letting everything as it was and resolving the misunderstandings between them.

He really missed Iwaizumi.

He breathed out. “I`ll ask around if someone has seen him, or has his number.” There hadn`t been any news nor sightings by either Kuroo, Bokuto or him of Iwaizumi after he had ran into him during his walk.

Kuroo winked at him, waving with is phone. “Don`t worry, sweetheart. Already got it. interrupting Oikawa, who was just about to ask how the hell Kuroo had managed to get Iwaizumi`s number. “- Kenma happens to have a sort of friendship with Karasuno`s shrimp, so I asked him for the shrimp`s number because according to Bokuto the shrimp's setter might know more about Iwaizumi. It turned out Bokuto also has the Hinata`s number but he forgot to tell me. Anyway, so I texted shrimpy to ask if he could send me his setter`s number and so I got Kageyama`s number.”

Oikawa made a face, still not liking Kageyama very much.

“So I texted him asking if he maybe had Iwaizumi`s number and he did and that`s the story of me being the best friend and detective alive.” He proudly puffed his chest.

“Though it would have saved you a lot of time if you`d asked Hanamaki.” Oikawa clicked his tongue. “correct me if I`m wrong, but if I recall correctly, he follows some classes with you.”

The look Kuroo gave him could only be described as one of a man whose last fuck had just escaped and was so done with life.

Actually feeling a little bit bad for Kuroo, he did manage to get Iwaizumi`s number after all, Oikawa quickly put the digits in his own phone and thanked his friend. It was all just in his mind, but it felt like his phone had gained weight as he put it back into his pocket.

 

_Uh, oikawa here. sorry for running away earlier. if u wanna talk, we could meet up somewhere?_

Grimacing, he deleted his text. How long has it been? Half an hour or something and he still couldn`t come up with a decent text to send. Actually trying to fulfill his promise to Kuroo and Bokuto, he was now laying on his back on the kitchen table which lay surprisingly comfortable, and trying to come up with something that didn`t scream desperate, angry or to distant. He had lost track of the number of deleted texts by now and he wanted to get over with it before Kuroo returned home.

_Hey, uh so yeah, this is oikawa. Kuroo told me you`ve been looking for me. I`m sorry about last time when I ran away, maybe if you want we can meet up somewhere to talk? Only if you want though!_

Groaning, with his eyes closed, Oikawa pressed send and prayed a meteor would hit him. He really was scared for Iwaizumi`s reply. If the latter even would reply. The Iwaizumi Oikawa knew, or had known, wasn`t one to ignore him. However, this was a different situation of course. They hadn`t talked to each other for around 9 months - a whole new record, thought Oikawa bitterly- and he had ran away when Iwaizumi saw him. he really wouldn`t be surprised if Iwaizumi really had had enough of him by now.

 

It wasn't all too strange the mood was tense during dinner. Bokuto was the only one who made an attempt to lighten the mood and although he tried his best, his efforts were futile. 

Oikawa poked restlessly in his scrambled eggs, not having much appetite. "Ugh." 

He shoved his plate aside and rested his head atop of the table. "You can have it, Bokuto."  

Bokuto hooted happily and quickly claimed the food as his before Kuroo could steal it away.

"Staring at your phone does not magically makes him reply, you know." 

Oikawa frowned. "It's called telepathy, Tetsu-chan."

he swore he heard Kuroo mutter something along the lines of 'say something I'm giving up on you.'

Iwaizumi hadn't replied yet and it was getting pretty late. Oikawa was antsy, anxiety making it impossible to sit still.  

So now Oikawa was back to laying atop of the kitchen table, which was now ranked as #1 spot to hang around at home, playing the just downloaded candy crush. It was annoying, but Oikawa was slightly annoyed by himself so it fitted the mood perfectly. However, as soon as he was out of lives, there was nothing left to save him. 

At some point he even had entirely given up and picked up his old volleyball, asking Bokuto if he was up for some spiking. Bokuto had agreed of course but before Oikawa had done as much as setting the ball, Kuroo had intervened, loudly yelling not to play volleyball inside because they could break stuff like the TV and they couldn't afford a new one

 

Still no reply.

 

Oikawa was losing hope and anxiety got slowly replaced by not quite sadness, something that felt a little like hollow despair and an underlying agitated wish to explain it all to Iwaizumi. He knew the change he would get his friend back where extremely slim, probably even non-existent. Of course, it would be great to start over and be friends again, or at least bring an end to the silence, but Oikawa knew he couldn`t get his hopes up, knowing it would hurt even more when Iwaizumi rejected him, and if he didn`t, pressuring him to something he didn`t want. For the both of them it would be the best if Oikawa didn`t expect anything from it. 

All he wanted by now was to get a change to explain to Iwaizumi how he felt. It was no excuse for his behavior, but maybe it would grant them to close that particular chapter of their lives and move on.

and then his phone buzzed.                                                

Kuroo and Bokuto, who were making out on the couch, didn`t notice it and kept doing what they were doing which Oikawa was totally okay with because he was freaking out a little.

“You can do it, Tooru.” he whispered, trying to muster up the courage to look at his phone. For all he knew it could be Yahaba with some questions on how to handle the team. There was absolutely no guarantee it was Iwaizumi who had just texted him.

And then the next problem occurred. “Kuroo, stop making out grossly on the couch and help me!” he yelled, trying to get Kuroo`s attention. “I just got a text but if it`s Iwaizumi, what do to? If I unlock my phone it`ll probably jump to ‘read’ and I`ve to react like kinda quick and that seems really thirsty and desperate and that`s absolutely not the impression I want to give off.” 

Kuroo groaned and turned around in Bokuto`s lap. “How about you first check who the message send before you start to freak out even more. And if it is Iwaizumi, wait half an hour or something. You sound like a high school girl with a crush, Tooru. Really.”

Oikawa wanted to punch Bokuto for nodding in agreement. 

A sneak peak showed the text indeed came from Iwaizumi and Oikawa immediately shoved his phone away like it was on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ☆*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:*☆


	5. 5

_Iwaizumi: I`d like to talk. Are you free this upcoming Thursday evening?_

 

_Yeah, that`s okay with me. Where?_

_Iwaizumi: I`m not really familiar with the area here, you say._

 

_There`s this café next to the supermarket, I`ll look up the address._

 

It was still three days till Thursday. Three days were more than enough days to come up with the most ridiculous theories for what might happen. And Oikawa being as analytical as he was, took the most out of these days like that.

 

When it finally was Thursday evening, just half an hour before he and Iwaizumi had decided to meet, Oikawa was about to lose it.

 

“This is the most stupid idea you`ve ever come up with, Kuroo.”

 

“No it`s not. Try to calm down a little please. I`m getting a headache from your nervous pacing.”

 

"What if he only wants to tell me to leave him alone."

 

"He would tell you that over text messages. Go fix the door if you you're not planning on doing anything else than fluttering around here."

 

Oikawa decided to ignore Kuroo and thus the reoccurring remark on the sticking door. Oh well, if he survived this day, he would give it a try to fix the door. Only if he survived though.

The sun was starting to set by time Oikawa walked towards the café. His nerves were killing him, the last time he had felt like this was during their last match against Karasuno knowing full well it had been their last chance to play with his team and go to the nationals. They had lost.

Oikawa hoped he wouldn`t lose everything again this night.

 

Every step was one step closer to the café, to Iwaizumi. Without looking, he knew his hands were shaking a little and his stomach felt cramped. God, he hated moments like this. And then the front of the café appeared.

 

 “Well, I hope Kuroo`s right.” Oikawa opened the door and stepped inside. His eyes darted skittishly over the booths and tables, looking for the familiar dark brown spikes and broad shoulders. Of course, there was a huge chance Iwaizumi wasn`t even here yet, so that would perfectly explain why Oikawa didn`t see him. Not until he spotted someone from the corner of his eyes. Inhaling sharply, he took a step forwards. And then another, and another, until he reached the booth.

 

A bit nauseous,  he patted Iwaizumi on his shoulder and smiled awkwardly as the latter turned around. “Err, Hey.”

 

Iwaizumi shot him a short smile and Oikawa thought his heart wouldn`t be able to handle it. He had missed him so much. “Hey.”

 

Suddenly, Oikawa`s limbs remembered how to actually act and he managed to slid down in the booth, across of Iwaizumi. An awkward silence fell. Iwaizumi either pretended or was actually looking at the menu and Oikawa tried to observe him as subtle as he could between his lashes. Though it hadn`t even been a year since Oikawa had seen Iwaizumi, he had changed. Clearly more muscle and the a sharper jaw line. To be honest, it fitted him nicely. A waitress came to their table and asked if they had already decided. Oikawa took his usual latte macchiato and Iwaizumi –as Oikawa had already suspected, old habits die hard- ordered an ordinary cup of coffee. The waitress left and the awkward silence was about to return.

 

Much to his own surprise, Oikawa took manners in his own hands. “I`m sorry I ran away the last time. It`s not much of an excuse, but I panicked and yeah…”

 

“It`s alright. I can kind off understand why you acted like that.” Iwaizumi shrugged. “And you`re here now so It doesn`t matter anymore.”

 

Oikawa hummed. “It`s kind of nice seeing you again. It`s been a while.” Immediately regretting his words, Oikawa saw Iwaizumi tense up. Five minutes intro trying to fix what happened in the past and you already fuck up, god, you did such a good job Oikawa.

 

“Yeah, it is.” sighed Iwaizumi, shoulders relaxing and Oikawa was about to faint from the high level of stress racing through his veins. “And it really has been a while.”

 

 Woah, wait a second. Did Iwaizumi actually sound sorry? Did that mean- Oikawa`s train of thoughts was disrupted by the waitress arriving with their coffee. They thanked here and Oikawa ripped open the package of sugar.

 

“Here, you can have it.” Another package, Iwaizumi`s, was shoved towards him. Oikawa muttered a quiet thank you, not quite sure what to say. Iwaizumi couldn`t be possibly mad, could he?

 

For a little while they just sat in silence, which was still awkward, but not as much as before. Oikawa took little sips of his coffee, burning his tongue every time in the process but he didn`t care at the moment. Burnt tongue regrets could wait till another day.

 

Stirring in his cup, Iwaizumi cleared his throat. “So, you wanted to talk.”

 

And you wanted to meet me first, he thought but he didn`t say anything. Instead he gave a small nod. “Yeah, over what happened between us. I guess that`s also the reason you were looking for me?”

 

Iwaizumi, too, gave a nod. “Pretty much yeah. It doesn`t feel right how we parted ways and it keeps bothering me. I`m really sorry, Tooru, I should not have said those thing to you. I was angry at you but still. It gives me no reason to say things like that to you.”

 

Oikawa didn`t know what exactly he was feeling, some strange mix between happiness and a strange kind of hurt because of the past? “It`s alright. I wasn`t much of a great person to be in a relationship with though. I really can`t blame you for getting mad at me. Shush, let me finish.” he said, before Iwaizumi even had as much of a change to say something. “Since I didn`t tell you the truth back then, I`ll do it now.”

 

_Here we go, Tooru…_

 

“When you asked me about if the reason I acted like that was the same as in my previous relationships, and I said yes, it was true. It`s only a little bit more complicated than that. After you met up with Kuroo, I told him about what had happened and Kuroo`s boyfriend, Bokuto has this friend and well together we figured out I might be aromantic.” He saw Iwaizumi frown in confusion, and wasn`t surprised. Of course, he would have reacted the same. “It`s when a person doesn`t feel romantic attraction, and yeah, I strongly identified with the definition. It has nothing to do with the person I`m together with, I simply don`t feel comfortable doing couple-ish stuff and all. It really isn`t like I didn`t love you, I did deeply, but just like really close friends and not as boyfriends if you get what I mean. I`m so sorry for not talking to you about it. I was so scared of losing you as a whole…” Never before had it been so hard to find the right words to say. Oikawa hoped he didn`t fuck up with his shitty explanation because he wanted Iwaizumi to understand so bad.

 

Iwaizumi stayed quiet for a little. “I think I get what you`re saying. Sort off. The term aromantic is new for me, but I`ll look it up later okay? I`m glad you told me this, and I`m sorry you had to feel like that. I should have noticed earlier you weren`t comfortable.”

 

Oikawa smiled shakily. Was this real? Did Iwaizumi really try to understand his side of the story? It felt like he would combust any moment because of what Iwaizumi had just promised him.

 

“Thank you, Iwa-chan.”

 

 

They were back to being friends. Sort of.

Two months had passed since their meeting at the café and a lot of things had changed since then.

Well, it was one big thing that resulted in smaller changes.

Iwaizumi Hajime was back in Oikawa`s life and they were going back to being the friends they used to be, slowly.

Maybe they were even growing to something more.

There still were awkward moments of course, Oikawa trying to explain his feelings, discovering and learning about his own boundaries and Iwaizumi trying to process all the information that had come with Oikawa`s confession. They were learning and growing.

 

They had changed of course, just as their relationship. They were friends and at the same time they were more than that.

 

Oikawa was happy, happier than he had ever been in his life. He had his Iwa-chan back, and with that the door got fixed too. Only after his first visit at Oikawa`s and Kuroo`s apartment he had declared he would fix the damned thing because he clearly understood no one was actively planning on doing it.

The door got fixed, Kuroo still stole all the towels and had reclaimed his bed after walking in on Iwaizumi and Oikawa once, loudly yelling something about bleaching his eyes out and treason as he had respected Oikawa and had only used the spare room.

So Iwaizumi had helped finally cleaning up the spare room and making it Oikawa`s room and Kuroo and Bokuto now had Kuroo`s room for themselves.

 

The sun was shining through the window. Iwaizumi was lying on the floor, studying his notes while Oikawa was watching a documentary on aliens he had found.

 

“I`m still so happy you started looking for me, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa closed his laptop and peeked over the edge of his bed.

Iwaizumi grumbled something unintelligible. Oikawa pouted. “Can`t hear youuu~”

 

“Yeah yeah, me too, Assikawa.” Oikawa never had been more happy with hearing those shitty nicknames. He let himself roll of the bed and landed on top of Iwaizumi, who yelped by surprise of the sudden weight crushing him. “GET OFF, SHITTYKAWA!”

 

Oikawa laughed, jumped up and sprinted out of the room, fully aware of the fact Iwaizumi would chase him to get his revenge. He kept in lead until he was almost knocked over by Kuroo, who was alarmed by the sudden noise.

 

“Tetsu-chan, saaaaaaaaave me!” without any further warning, Oikawa jumped into Kuroo`s arms who barely managed not to fall.

“Oikawa, what the fuck.” He shifted Oikawa in his arms and looked past him to see Iwaizumi with a slightly murderous facial expression.

 

“Iwa-chan wants to kill me.” 

 

Kuroo sighed. “I`m too tired for your bullshit. Iwaizumi, you can have him back.” He walked towards Iwaizumi, ignoring the loud screeches from Oikawa and simply dropped him in Iwaizumi`s arms. “Have fun with him.”

 

Iwaizumi grinned. “Oh, I surely will.”

 

Oikawa, wriggling his way out of Iwaizumi`s grip, gasped. “I`m gonna tell Bokuto that you let me die when he gets back here!”

 

“Go ahead, I doubt he`ll act upon it.”

 

Iwaizumi grasped his wrist. “Come, Tooru.” and Oikawa smiled.

 

Things weren`t perfect yet between them, but they would get there. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so wooh, it`s done  
> thank y`all for reading this story!  
> anyway, it is partly based on my own experiences and tho difficult at times, it felt good to finally being able to write it off.  
> Once again, thank you all so much for reading!


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